The Right to Be Angry

This is going to be a short, middle-of-the-week post. It was just a quick musing that I had and wanted to share.

Recently, people have made me angry. In fact, I spent lunch today ranting to a friend about how angry I was. How sick and tired I was of the things they did (or didn't) do.

It happens to me more often than I would like. In fact, I rarely think anything of it anymore. It's just something that I feel, something that causes me to glare and give the cold shoulder until it blows over and everything is back to normal. I justify this attitude. "So-and-so" won't do this, so I have the right to be angry.

What I often fail to remember is this: I may have the right to be angry, but I also have the calling to be compassionate. To choose understanding. To be loving even if that means sacrifice. In this case, the joyful sacrifice of my "right to be angry."

And "joy" is my word for the year. Discover what it means. Take it on, ingest it, let it become a part of me. I have no idea where it will lead but today was my first lesson in joyful sacrifice. It felt really amazing.

Besides, in reality, I don't mind doing the dishes. It allows time for my freshly made tea to cool, and if it means that someone feels a little bit of love, or the compassion I wish I more easily felt, then I'll do the dishes without complaint for the whole semester. It's so little a price to pay.

A Letter to Those Who Ask, "Are you sure...?"

I get a few different reactions when I tell people what my major is and what I want to do with it. The first is something along the lines of: "Wow! so you must be a genius or something, right?" To which I usually sarcastically remark, "Yeah, I wish." Internally thinking that if they could see my Calc 2 grades they might not think so highly of me. But I digress.

Another reaction I get usually goes like this:

"What do you want to do with your biochemistry major?" 

"Well, the plan is to do research and teach. We'll see."

"Oh wow, are you sure you want to teach?!" 

....

How to respond to this. To their incredulous face and condescending voice.

The first time, I was shocked and ignored it. The second, I simply stared into their face, said, "Yes," and walked away, fuming but triumphant. The third time, I ignored it again.

This response hurts and angers me, and I find myself stewing about it for weeks, which is unusual for me. I've been thinking about it recently and I want to know why I get so upset about it.
So, to figure myself out, I wrote this letter to those who ask, "Are you sure?!".



Dear [you who asked, "Are you sure you want to teach?!"],

Yes, I am sure.
Let me stop you right here, before you start telling me all the reasons I should rethink this decision. 
I'm not an idiot. I know that teaching is hard. That students can be crazy and their parents crazier. I also realize that it doesn't pay well. That the hours are crazy and sacrifices will have to be made. From this vantage point, the return on investment is close to non-existent. You probably think you're doing me a favor by making sure I am aware of this. Saving me from my own naivety, I suppose. You've hurt my pride, and I may be mad now, but I will be thanking you in the end. 
But I have my reasons for being sure.

First, let me start with a question: Why do you do what you do? 

Because my guess, (correct me if I'm wrong) is that whatever you're doing, you started doing it because of a teacher. 

All of us have had teachers. In their most informal, basic form, they are parents, mentors and friends. Formally, they appear in institutions like schools and the workplace. For good or bad, they are the ones who show us who we want to be when we "grow up". They model the lifestyle, character and personality of those who love science, english, and history, or mechanics, gardening, and computers. And you, the student watches and takes notes. Not just on paper, but also internally. Watching and matching your personality, character and lifestyle with theirs, and depending on if you like what you see, wondering if you could grow up to be like them.

I want to be a teacher who inspires. Who is a model for a lifestyle that is joyful and loving. Who gives chemistry and scientists a good name. Who gives Christians an even better one.

Second, I want to enable dreams. I want to be the teacher who teaches to the best of her ability, so that you can chase your dream, whatever it is. So that you can't say, "Well I didn't get to do [insert dream] because my chemistry teacher was awful."

Third, because the classroom is one of my favorite places to be. Both in front of a group of students, and sitting as a student on the receiving end, I love the classroom. The passion I have for learning and teaching is so strong, it's almost like it was written into my DNA. It's something that turns me on, stimulating both the left and right side of the brain, to be creative and smart. To me, nothing is more rewarding than having the "lightbulbs turn on" in a student's eyes. I don't know if I can describe the feeling of teaching or learning. The best I can do is put it this way: I never feel more in my element than I do when I am teaching. 

I think it would physically hurt me to not be a teacher.

So, here's a quick lesson made just for you, courtesy of a future teacher. If you meet someone who says they want to be a teacher, kindly and genuinely ask, "Why?", instead of "Are you sure?" (tone is key here). If they give good reasons, be thankful there are people in the world who want to be good teachers, so that you don't have to be. If they do have flaws in their reasoning, gently point them out, and go on your merry way. 

But whatever you do, do not disrespect their desire to make a difference. Do not look condescendingly into their face and think, "She has no idea what she is getting into" even if that may be true. I may not entirely know what I am getting into, but I know that not getting into it would be a mistake. I know that the teachers I have had have been some of the biggest influences on who I am today. And I know I want to make a difference the way they have made a difference to me.

Again, yes. I am sure of this decision - above many others, and now I hope you understand why.

~Paula

Biology, There may be hope for us yet.

I know. Two posts in two days. It's a bit much, I agree. But I have a superrr quick story that you probably won't care about, but it was a great moment so bear with me!

Biology and I have had a love/hate relationship for pretty much my whole life. As a little girl, biology was my life (no pun intended), though I didn't really know it. I just knew I loved bugs. And animals. And plants. And tadpoles, baby catfish, baby snapping turtles, frogs and anything else I could capture in a net, put in a jar or pin to a styrofoam board. (yes, I was that girl.)

But then I hit high school and took a biology class expecting to be enthralled. I wasn't. What was a beautiful, fascinating subject suddenly was bogged down in names and only experienced in pictures from a text book. It wasn't the same, and I was disappointed.

College seemed to be going the same way. I took biology last semester and was bored the whole way through. I figured that biology and I were done for. Our relationship was unrepairable and I would just stick to my chemistry, thank you very much.

Naturally, I expected this semester to be more of the same. (I'm sure you see where this is going).
I walked out of the dorm this afternoon and Zoe shouted after me "Have fun at class!" To which I scoffed, "It's biology, I hate biology!" and ventured into the cold.

I walked into the classroom and immediately saw some interesting objects on the table in front of the class. A bag of twigs and leaves. A mysterious box. A stack of newspaper articles. I sat down in a second row seat and looked skeptically at the objects in front of me.

"Lord Jesus. Please let me like biology this semester." A little prayer in my head, a skeptical squint on my face.

Then my teacher walked in. He looked like a biologist! You know how you can just tell that someone is a biologist? Kinda disheveled hair, comfy clothes, some sort of hiking boots, outdoorsy, pinecone smell...You get a picture. This one even had a little wooden necklace with a wood burned Queen Anne's lace flower on it.
I was intrigued. This was the first biology teacher that actually looked like he just come from outside on a bird-watching hike or something.

His lecture was really great. He pulled out each of the twigs and talked about the different trees they came from. He talked about the chestnut trees that all died of a disease. He pulled out rocks with fossils he'd found. He loved it. I loved it.

And that is my story for today. I was humbled. And biology....

There my be hope for us yet.

<3

Happy 2014!

Yikes! It's been months since I've posted, and I'm sure that you have all forgotten about me by now. No matter, its a new year and I may (or may not) be able to recover your attention. If not, then I would be sad to not have your friendship, but attention is not really the goal of this blog.

The goal, as usual, is to document my life's findings. I find that journalling (which is, of a certain form, what I do here) is a sort of therapy to me. It gives me something productive to do with my extra time and tends to refocus my mind and soul. A form of worship that always leaves me peaceful, refreshed and with a clarity of heart that I find hardly anywhere else. It's become an addiction of mine. The new year brings a brand new, blank journal, ready for anything, waiting to be filled. And I am eager to fill it. Slowly, I do, and by the end of the year there are only a few blank pages left and that chapter of my life is closed.

I am thankful to have finally closed my journal from 2013 and to find God's mercies new for 2014. The finality and finished-ness of the past is a hopeful thing to me. Those things that have happened to better my life, I choose to take with me to the future, and the things I regret or am ashamed of, I leave behind because that is what mercy allows me to do. Freedom from the physical, taxing work of carrying those things with me is something only Christ can give and I can only receive and be thankful. Every day, be thankful.

My prayer is that those of my friends and family will find that same freedom in 2014.

As for new years resolutions...I am searching (and waiting) for a word to pursue. Prayer? Thanksgiving? I'll let you know when it becomes clear to me.

In the meantime, classes have started and somewhere in between calculus 2, biology 2, organic chemistry and intro to theater, I hope to be a better blogger for my own sake... how else am I going to stay sane with a class load like that?

Blessings and happy 2014!
Paula

I'd Like to See His Love

To be honest, this week did not contain any major revelations. I guess I have only to be thankful for everything that I have been blessed with. And that is just as good.

For the coming week, I will be praying that I am able to see just how much the Lord loves. A song we sung in church was focused on the love that Christ has for us and I was reminded again of how powerful that is. It is grand, huge and it has no limits. The best part, to me at least, is that he loves even those who don't love him. I think it's easier in general to love people who love you. To love people who are against you is something that is otherworldly. I love that God loves even those who hate him, and I love that the church exists to show his love to it's "not yet" members. We talked about that at church a few weeks ago and it has really stuck with me.

So I'm praying that I learn to see how much Christ loves us. All of us. And I'm hoping to take the numerous opportunities to show some love to those around me who need it.

Peace in Adversity

So last week (since I am already behind) was the week leading up to my fall break. You know how sometimes, when you're in anticipation mode, time seems to slow down? Well that was my life while waiting to go home and be with friends and family for five blissful days. Patience is not always a strong suit of mine. 

While I was making plans to go visit and hang out with a wide variety of people from all ages and walks of life, and also while doing life here in Chattanooga that week, with my roommates and friends getting excited and anxious for the weekend, wrapping up some last minute homework assignments or tests... The theme that kept being hit upon my heart was that peace is hard to come by.

I love that my faith places value in adversity. I think that that aspect of Christianity, especially in comparison to other religions, is an aid in finding true peace. If there is value in hard times, then there must be hope for the future and from that hope springs peace.

My friend gave me these verses in a letter she wrote to me. I find it hard not to be encouraged by these words.

Romans 5:1-5 says:
"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

The peace of the Lord be with you this week! 
Love,
Paula

New Blog Goal and Things I'm Learning #1

I think that people see life in a lot of different ways and that shapes how they go about everything they do. Being sort of pre-disposed to be a teacher, life as a learning process really resonates with me and definitely shapes the way I approach every situation. It just so happens that I am at a stage in my life where I am learning a lot. 

And naturally I find the need to blog about it. 

The college part teaches me the things I will need to know to pursue my career goals. Those things have their own challenges, but they tend to be easier to learn.  Do enough calculus problems and you master calculus. Read and study biology or sociology enough and you will master the concepts of biology and sociology. They are easy to assess. You either do well on the tests or you don't. 

Then there's the life part. Life with my roommates. Life with my long distance boyfriend. Life with new friends and acquaintances. Life with my old friends and family. Life on my own. Life with Jesus. 

The lessons college is teaching me are important. Necessary even, to me.

But the life lessons that I am being taught are infinitely more important. I'd go so far to say that they are the most important ones I am learning. And of course, they are the hardest. 

So, I am giving this blog a new goal. If all goes as planned, I will start using this blog to document  what God is teaching me on a week by week basis. Every Sunday night there will be a little blurb about what I'm learning. It has to be at least a paragraph. And it has to be honest. Those are my conditions. 

So for this week, the buzzword is patience. It just seems like every time I turn around, God is saying "be still." As a result I'm learning to rely on God day by day. Each day it's like, "alright God. Here's *insert conflict or issue*. It's yours today, do what you will." And each day I wait. Some days I get nothing and end up frustrated. Other days, I get a glimpse at what I'm waiting for and those days are the best. It's like seeing a little light shine through. In the evenings though, no matter what type of day I've had, I try to focus on being thankful for what I actually have. I have life. I have people who love me. And I have Christ who brings me peace as I daily give Him my life and everything that goes along with it. That peace... It is the only thing holding me together some days. I wonder how people ever get along without it.

On another note, can I just say that going to church alone has been a really interesting experience? Overall, it's been a truly incredible. A) Because the church I have been attending has left me feeling totally refreshed and empty and fulfilled week by week. And B) I've discovered that there is this weird freedom that comes with being alone. It's scary at first, because there are no familiar faces. Not a single one. (Until today when I saw my calculus teacher...which was awesome in the weirdest, nerdiest way.) But ultimately the faces don't have to be familiar because there is this recognition that that's really not the point of all of this. It blows my mind every week that I can look around at a group of complete and utter strangers and feel at home, and, in the most literal sense of the word, be with family. That's a little crazy.

Anyway. That's what I've been up to. Calculus class should be interesting from now on. ;)

Peace to all,

Paula