Wherever you are in life, whatever you're dealing with, no matter how confused you're feeling... Jesus wants to hear about it. He wants to understand. He welcomes our lack of understanding. Our lack of faith.
That is beautiful.
Please enjoy this little bit of transparency after silence for so long. And try to ignore the horrible punctuation/grammar. Those things go out the window as soon as I open my journal, and there's nothing I can do about it. (I posted this as closely to the original writing as I could.)
Thank you for reading and please comment. I would love to hear your thoughts.
~Paula
I have been journalling for...I guess close to 11 years. If I remember correctly, I started my Barbie journal in 2001 and it is 2013. So 11 years, give or take some time.
I don't really know why I journal so much. I never really thought of it as anything more than a way to sort out my thoughts. If I don't journal, I end up disoriented and feeling out of control. Its why I hate it when I go long periods of time without writing: I crave the words on paper. I want to know and be known and I think that somehow, just hearing my thoughts are recorded someplace has made me felt better understood. I can't explain it well. I don't fully understand it, this weird journalling phenomena. But I think that I am starting to.
In church yesterday we were talking about a story in Mark. The points that the pastor made were short and simple:
1. Jesus longs to bear our burdens.
2. Jesus wants to hear our stories.
3. Jesus welcomes our imperfect faith.
The second one applies most obviously to my journalling. Let me back up for a second.
I guess what I am realizing is that...well first, Jesus wants to know my stories. He cares about what I am going through and he wants for me to talk those things through with him. He wants to know the good, bad and ugly - every detail. He wants me to bring those things to his feet.
What I'm realizing is that...unknowingly, I have been doing that with my 11 years of journalling.
I don't know why, but this is a really emotional realization for me. I think that the fact that someone knows what I've been going through, through knowing my journals...it makes me feel so known and understood and loved. The things I have written in my journals are not only mine. My eyes are not the only ones that have read every word scribbled in ink on these pages. I am not alone.
And also, there is no shame in what I write - no matter how crazy or wrong it is. Jesus cares and...he welcomes my imperfect faith because he makes it perfect. Just to think that all the confused entries have been known by Christ because I wrote them here...it makes me want to cry with the overwhelming sense of joy and peace and love. I feel as if I am experiencing him because he has taken an interest in experiencing me.
These journals are between Jesus and I. They have a purpose, they are me telling my stories to Christ and him perfecting me and bringing me peace. That makes me so excited!
