Transparency

It's been a while since I've blogged. A long while. I took a break from writing entirely for a time and lately have stuck to journalling. It was in my time journalling and reading past journal entries that I stumbled upon an entry that I decided to share. I wrote this on October 28, 2013 in response to a sermon I heard at the Mission Chattanooga. I decided to post it here because the main message changed my life when I first heard it and rereading it today filled my heart with encouragement. I hope that there are others who will find the ideas presented as refreshing as I did. 
Wherever you are in life, whatever you're dealing with, no matter how confused you're feeling... Jesus wants to hear about it. He wants to understand. He welcomes our lack of understanding. Our lack of faith.
That is beautiful. 
Please enjoy this little bit of transparency after silence for so long. And try to ignore the horrible punctuation/grammar. Those things go out the window as soon as I open my journal, and there's nothing I can do about it. (I posted this as closely to the original writing as I could.)
Thank you for reading and please comment. I would love to hear your thoughts.
~Paula

I have been journalling for...I guess close to 11 years. If I remember correctly, I started my Barbie journal in 2001 and it is 2013. So 11 years, give or take some time.

I don't really know why I journal so much. I never really thought of it as anything more than a way to sort out my thoughts. If I don't journal, I end up disoriented and feeling out of control. Its why I hate it when I go long periods of time without writing: I crave the words on paper. I want to know and be known and I think that somehow, just hearing my thoughts are recorded someplace has made me felt better understood. I can't explain it well. I don't fully understand it, this weird journalling phenomena. But I think that I am starting to.

In church yesterday we were talking about a story in Mark. The points that the pastor made were short and simple:

1. Jesus longs to bear our burdens.

2. Jesus wants to hear our stories.

3. Jesus welcomes our imperfect faith.

The second one applies most obviously to my journalling. Let me back up for a second.

I guess what I am realizing is that...well first, Jesus wants to know my stories. He cares about what I am going through and he wants for me to talk those things through with him. He wants to know the good, bad and ugly - every detail. He wants me to bring those things to his feet.

What I'm realizing is that...unknowingly, I have been doing that with my 11 years of journalling. 

I don't know why, but this is a really emotional realization for me. I think that the fact that someone knows what I've been going through, through knowing my journals...it makes me feel so known and understood and loved. The things I have written in my journals are not only mine. My eyes are not the only ones that have read every word scribbled in ink on these pages. I am not alone. 

And also, there is no shame in what I write - no matter how crazy or wrong it is. Jesus cares and...he welcomes my imperfect faith because he makes it perfect. Just to think that all the confused entries have been known by Christ because I wrote them here...it makes me want to cry with the overwhelming sense of joy and peace and love. I feel as if I am experiencing him because he has taken an interest in experiencing me.

These journals are between Jesus and I. They have a purpose, they are me telling my stories to Christ and him perfecting me and bringing me peace. That makes me so excited! 

Jewelry That Changes the World

My dear friends Amanda and Ben are excited to be on the road to adopting a child from Taiwan! I know Amanda from about ten years back when she was a counselor at "Camp Invention." We became friends and I have admired and looked up to her all of these years. I am so thrilled at what God has been doing in her life and even more excited about the prospect of her and her husband's future adoption. 

To help offset the crazy adoption costs, they have partnered with a company called Chloe & Isabel, which allows them to sell jewelry and get the proceeds from the sales. Pretty slick deal. I now have two pairs of earrings from their site and may have my eye on a necklace....(my birthday is in May..hint hint).

My first pair were these fancy dangles. They were a Valentine's day gift from my parents. Aren't they lovely? I love wearing them on nice dinner dates. 

This pair is super hip and casual with just a hint of classy sparkle. Three little rhinestones set in a silver disk. They seem to go really well with my hat. (There's another pic below!)

This jewelry is gorgeous, high quality, unique and does some good for the world. They have a lot of "vintage-y" pieces which are totally in right now, and a lot of super classy pieces which will always be in style. (I could have sworn I've seen the exact same pieces on many Pinterest boards). You pay a bit more in exchange for the quality, style, and karma points. A pretty great trade off in the scheme of things. 

Girlfriends, ask your boyfriends for this stuff. Boyfriends, your girlfriend would love to get something pretty like this from you. Kids, mother's day is coming up. It comes pre-wrapped (see below and note the adorableness) so you don't have to do anything but get online and pick something sparkly out. 

Anyway, at least do me a favor and check out their site. You cold be the one to help an orphan from overseas get an amazing pair of Godly, loving parents, a home, and a cute puppy to boot. It's a win-win all around. 

"As one person, I cannot change the world, but I can change the world of one person." -Paul Shane Spear


Links to the Facebook page and Online Boutique:

https://www.facebook.com/shoppingwithamanda

https://www.chloeandisabel.com/boutique/amandagreenhoe

Can't help but show off the earrings that go super well with my all-too hipster hat. ;)

Don't wanna take my word for it? Here's what others had to say!

http://shehathdonewhatshecould.blogspot.com/2014/03/you-can-help-make-dream-come-true.html

http://freshmodesty.blogspot.com/2014/02/awk-awe-chloe-isabel.html

The Right to Be Angry

This is going to be a short, middle-of-the-week post. It was just a quick musing that I had and wanted to share.

Recently, people have made me angry. In fact, I spent lunch today ranting to a friend about how angry I was. How sick and tired I was of the things they did (or didn't) do.

It happens to me more often than I would like. In fact, I rarely think anything of it anymore. It's just something that I feel, something that causes me to glare and give the cold shoulder until it blows over and everything is back to normal. I justify this attitude. "So-and-so" won't do this, so I have the right to be angry.

What I often fail to remember is this: I may have the right to be angry, but I also have the calling to be compassionate. To choose understanding. To be loving even if that means sacrifice. In this case, the joyful sacrifice of my "right to be angry."

And "joy" is my word for the year. Discover what it means. Take it on, ingest it, let it become a part of me. I have no idea where it will lead but today was my first lesson in joyful sacrifice. It felt really amazing.

Besides, in reality, I don't mind doing the dishes. It allows time for my freshly made tea to cool, and if it means that someone feels a little bit of love, or the compassion I wish I more easily felt, then I'll do the dishes without complaint for the whole semester. It's so little a price to pay.

A Letter to Those Who Ask, "Are you sure...?"

I get a few different reactions when I tell people what my major is and what I want to do with it. The first is something along the lines of: "Wow! so you must be a genius or something, right?" To which I usually sarcastically remark, "Yeah, I wish." Internally thinking that if they could see my Calc 2 grades they might not think so highly of me. But I digress.

Another reaction I get usually goes like this:

"What do you want to do with your biochemistry major?" 

"Well, the plan is to do research and teach. We'll see."

"Oh wow, are you sure you want to teach?!" 

....

How to respond to this. To their incredulous face and condescending voice.

The first time, I was shocked and ignored it. The second, I simply stared into their face, said, "Yes," and walked away, fuming but triumphant. The third time, I ignored it again.

This response hurts and angers me, and I find myself stewing about it for weeks, which is unusual for me. I've been thinking about it recently and I want to know why I get so upset about it.
So, to figure myself out, I wrote this letter to those who ask, "Are you sure?!".



Dear [you who asked, "Are you sure you want to teach?!"],

Yes, I am sure.
Let me stop you right here, before you start telling me all the reasons I should rethink this decision. 
I'm not an idiot. I know that teaching is hard. That students can be crazy and their parents crazier. I also realize that it doesn't pay well. That the hours are crazy and sacrifices will have to be made. From this vantage point, the return on investment is close to non-existent. You probably think you're doing me a favor by making sure I am aware of this. Saving me from my own naivety, I suppose. You've hurt my pride, and I may be mad now, but I will be thanking you in the end. 
But I have my reasons for being sure.

First, let me start with a question: Why do you do what you do? 

Because my guess, (correct me if I'm wrong) is that whatever you're doing, you started doing it because of a teacher. 

All of us have had teachers. In their most informal, basic form, they are parents, mentors and friends. Formally, they appear in institutions like schools and the workplace. For good or bad, they are the ones who show us who we want to be when we "grow up". They model the lifestyle, character and personality of those who love science, english, and history, or mechanics, gardening, and computers. And you, the student watches and takes notes. Not just on paper, but also internally. Watching and matching your personality, character and lifestyle with theirs, and depending on if you like what you see, wondering if you could grow up to be like them.

I want to be a teacher who inspires. Who is a model for a lifestyle that is joyful and loving. Who gives chemistry and scientists a good name. Who gives Christians an even better one.

Second, I want to enable dreams. I want to be the teacher who teaches to the best of her ability, so that you can chase your dream, whatever it is. So that you can't say, "Well I didn't get to do [insert dream] because my chemistry teacher was awful."

Third, because the classroom is one of my favorite places to be. Both in front of a group of students, and sitting as a student on the receiving end, I love the classroom. The passion I have for learning and teaching is so strong, it's almost like it was written into my DNA. It's something that turns me on, stimulating both the left and right side of the brain, to be creative and smart. To me, nothing is more rewarding than having the "lightbulbs turn on" in a student's eyes. I don't know if I can describe the feeling of teaching or learning. The best I can do is put it this way: I never feel more in my element than I do when I am teaching. 

I think it would physically hurt me to not be a teacher.

So, here's a quick lesson made just for you, courtesy of a future teacher. If you meet someone who says they want to be a teacher, kindly and genuinely ask, "Why?", instead of "Are you sure?" (tone is key here). If they give good reasons, be thankful there are people in the world who want to be good teachers, so that you don't have to be. If they do have flaws in their reasoning, gently point them out, and go on your merry way. 

But whatever you do, do not disrespect their desire to make a difference. Do not look condescendingly into their face and think, "She has no idea what she is getting into" even if that may be true. I may not entirely know what I am getting into, but I know that not getting into it would be a mistake. I know that the teachers I have had have been some of the biggest influences on who I am today. And I know I want to make a difference the way they have made a difference to me.

Again, yes. I am sure of this decision - above many others, and now I hope you understand why.

~Paula

Biology, There may be hope for us yet.

I know. Two posts in two days. It's a bit much, I agree. But I have a superrr quick story that you probably won't care about, but it was a great moment so bear with me!

Biology and I have had a love/hate relationship for pretty much my whole life. As a little girl, biology was my life (no pun intended), though I didn't really know it. I just knew I loved bugs. And animals. And plants. And tadpoles, baby catfish, baby snapping turtles, frogs and anything else I could capture in a net, put in a jar or pin to a styrofoam board. (yes, I was that girl.)

But then I hit high school and took a biology class expecting to be enthralled. I wasn't. What was a beautiful, fascinating subject suddenly was bogged down in names and only experienced in pictures from a text book. It wasn't the same, and I was disappointed.

College seemed to be going the same way. I took biology last semester and was bored the whole way through. I figured that biology and I were done for. Our relationship was unrepairable and I would just stick to my chemistry, thank you very much.

Naturally, I expected this semester to be more of the same. (I'm sure you see where this is going).
I walked out of the dorm this afternoon and Zoe shouted after me "Have fun at class!" To which I scoffed, "It's biology, I hate biology!" and ventured into the cold.

I walked into the classroom and immediately saw some interesting objects on the table in front of the class. A bag of twigs and leaves. A mysterious box. A stack of newspaper articles. I sat down in a second row seat and looked skeptically at the objects in front of me.

"Lord Jesus. Please let me like biology this semester." A little prayer in my head, a skeptical squint on my face.

Then my teacher walked in. He looked like a biologist! You know how you can just tell that someone is a biologist? Kinda disheveled hair, comfy clothes, some sort of hiking boots, outdoorsy, pinecone smell...You get a picture. This one even had a little wooden necklace with a wood burned Queen Anne's lace flower on it.
I was intrigued. This was the first biology teacher that actually looked like he just come from outside on a bird-watching hike or something.

His lecture was really great. He pulled out each of the twigs and talked about the different trees they came from. He talked about the chestnut trees that all died of a disease. He pulled out rocks with fossils he'd found. He loved it. I loved it.

And that is my story for today. I was humbled. And biology....

There my be hope for us yet.

<3

Happy 2014!

Yikes! It's been months since I've posted, and I'm sure that you have all forgotten about me by now. No matter, its a new year and I may (or may not) be able to recover your attention. If not, then I would be sad to not have your friendship, but attention is not really the goal of this blog.

The goal, as usual, is to document my life's findings. I find that journalling (which is, of a certain form, what I do here) is a sort of therapy to me. It gives me something productive to do with my extra time and tends to refocus my mind and soul. A form of worship that always leaves me peaceful, refreshed and with a clarity of heart that I find hardly anywhere else. It's become an addiction of mine. The new year brings a brand new, blank journal, ready for anything, waiting to be filled. And I am eager to fill it. Slowly, I do, and by the end of the year there are only a few blank pages left and that chapter of my life is closed.

I am thankful to have finally closed my journal from 2013 and to find God's mercies new for 2014. The finality and finished-ness of the past is a hopeful thing to me. Those things that have happened to better my life, I choose to take with me to the future, and the things I regret or am ashamed of, I leave behind because that is what mercy allows me to do. Freedom from the physical, taxing work of carrying those things with me is something only Christ can give and I can only receive and be thankful. Every day, be thankful.

My prayer is that those of my friends and family will find that same freedom in 2014.

As for new years resolutions...I am searching (and waiting) for a word to pursue. Prayer? Thanksgiving? I'll let you know when it becomes clear to me.

In the meantime, classes have started and somewhere in between calculus 2, biology 2, organic chemistry and intro to theater, I hope to be a better blogger for my own sake... how else am I going to stay sane with a class load like that?

Blessings and happy 2014!
Paula